A Blessing on Your Head

The majority of Parshas Chayei Sarah is dedicated to the trip that Eliezer took to Nachor, where he hoped to find a suitable wife for Yitzchak Avinu. As we know, the Pessukim that detail this jouney, and the events that transpired once he arrived, are rife with examples of “Maseh Avos Siman L’Banim”, and much can be learned from each one. It seems that even those Pessukim which discuss the actions and words of Besuel and Lavan, hardly the most savory characters, must appear in order to teach us vital lessons.

After telling the family of Rivka the story of his journey, and the Hashgacha that placed him in their home, Eliezer makes his proposition: “V’Ata Im Yeshchem Oseh Chesed V’Emes Es Adoni Higidu Li V’Im Lo Higidu Li.” The question at hand was simple: would they be willing to let him take Rivka back to marry Yitzchok, or not. While their response seems to be quite admirable, as they recognized “Ki M’Hashem Yatzah HaDavar”, the Meforshim explain that in fact this was a begrudging statement: they did not wish to give Rivka to Eliezer, but they realized they had little choice in the matter.

Although Eliezer wished to leave immediately, to return to the safety of his master’s home, and to bring Yitzchak his intended, Lavan had other plans. He makes a suggestion: “Teshev HaNaarah Itanu Yamim or Asur Achar Telech”. Rivka, they reasoned, needed some time to prepare for her marriage, as was the custom at the time, so she could not immediately travel to Yitzchak’s home. Although here too it appears that they made a rational statement, the Alshich explains that this was not the case. True to form, Lavan was thinking only about himself—he was upset that the gifts Eliezer gave Rivka’s family following their agreement to the Shidduch were less valuable than the ones given to Rivka herself. He therefore tried to make Eliezer’s job more difficult by suggesting that she stay in Nachor.

Taken together, it is apparent that although a simple reading some of the Pessukim might indicate that Besuel, Lavan and their family were pliant, gracious and even helpful to Eliezer, the opposite is true. At every turn they were concerned only about themselves and their own gain. There is a well-known Chazal, brought by the Daas Zekenim, which reinforces this notion: Besuel and Lavan attempted to poison Eliezer and Malach Gavriel switched their plates, causing Besulel to ingest the poison and die. Clearly, Rivka’s family were not acting in the best interest of Eliezer or Kvod Shamayim.

This being the case, there is one more Passuk that must be addressed.

Once Rivka tells her relatives that she wishes to go with Eliezer immediately, they prepared her for departure, and before she left, the Passuk tells us: “VaYivarchu Es Rivka Vayomru Lah Achoseinu At Heye L’Alfei Rivavah V’Yirash Zareych Es Sha’ar Sonav.” They gave Rivka a Bracha, which Rashi explains, mirrored the one that Hashem gave Avraham Avinu after the Akeida, wishing that she and her offspring be the recipients of that promise: that they will be “K’Chol Asher Al Sfas HaYam” and that they would conquer their enemies.

Here too, however, we must understand the true motives of Besuel, Lavan and their kin. Clearly the Bracha that was given to Avraham related to the Ribuy Kvod Shamayim that he desired. Avrohom hoped for a multitude of descendants so that they would continue his Derech of bringing the Dvar Hahsem into the world—it is hard to imagine that Rivka’s family were concerned about this goal, however. It is therefore important to understand what they meant by this Bracha, by the words “At Heye L’Alfei Rivavah.”

This question becomes even more pressing if we take into account the Divrei Chazal in Meseches Kallah Rabasi. The very first Braisa in that Mesechta Ketana states: “Minayim L’Birchas Chasanim Min HaTorah Shenemar VaYivarchu Es Rivka” Chazal learn that Birchas Chasanim, the Brachos that are said at the time of a marriage, are a Din D’Oraysa from these words, from the fact that Rivka’s family gave her a Bracha as she left to get married. Lest we think that Birchas Chasanim is just a “nice thing” or an Inyan, the Braisa actually begins with the words: “Kallah B’Lo Bracha Asura Al Baalah K’Niddah.”

These Divrei Chazal are somewhat shocking: each marriage that is conducted K’Das Moshe V’Yisroel begins with Brachos, without which the Chassan and Kallah are forbidden form one another. This vital Halacha, we see, is learned from the Brachos given by Lavan, and perhaps Besuel (if he was still alive), who wished to sabotage the union of Yitzchak and Rivka at every turn. How is it possible that something so crucial is learned from a group of people who had such destructive intentions?

We may be able to answer this question, and better understanding of the purpose of Brachos in general, and the Birchas Chasanim specifically.

The Gemarah in Brachos, in a number of places, discusses the relationship between Birchas Hamazon and Birchas Hatorah. It is clear that the Halacha of Birchas Hamazon is D’Oraysa, as the Passuk says: “V’Achalta V’SAvata U’Verachta”, when one is full he must say a Bracha. The Halacha of Birchas HaTorah is learned from a Passuk as well: “Ki Shem Hashem Ekra Havu Godel L’Elokeinu.” Now, there is a clear distinction between these two Halachos: Birchas Hamazon is said L’Achreha, after eating, while Birchas HaTorah is said Lifaneha, before learning. The Gemarah, however, suggests that perhaps these Halachos should also teach us about one another. To wit: If food, which does not need a Bracha Rishona requires a Bracha Achrona, should not Torah, which requires a Bracha Rishona, require a Bracha Achrona? Of course the same logic could be used in the opposite direction to teach us that food requires a Bracha Rishona. The Gemarah, however, rejects these Limudim by finding a way that Torah and food are different from one another, and concludes that the Bracha Rishona on food, and the Bracha L’Achareha on the Torah are both M’Dirabanan.

R’ Meir Simcha, in Meshech Chachma, points out that elsewhere in the Mesechta, Chazal use a Kal V’Chomer from Birchas Hamazon to learn that food would require a Bracha Rishona. Why then, he wonders, does the Gemarah reject the Kal V’Chomer from Birchas Hamazon to Birchas HaTorah, and visa versa, out of hand?

He explains that we could only learn that Kal V’Chomer if we understand that the purpose of Brachos is to praise Hashem. If so, we could learn from one Halacha to another so long as the logic makes sense. This, however, is a mistake, for the purpose of Brachos is different, and it is therefore impossible to make any Limudim between food and Torah, in terms of the requirement to make a Bracha.

R’ Meir Simcha explains that when the Torah required one to say Birchas Hamazon, it was not merely so that we could thank Hashem for the food he had given us. Rather, there was a concern: when someone is sated, and he feels satisfied, illusions of grandeur may creep into his mind. The Passuk in Devarim speaks of this tendency quite clearly: “Pen Tochal V’Savata…V’Shachachta Es Hashem Elokecha”. Perhaps, the Torah worries, one will eat his fill and, in his state of satisfaction, forget that it is Hashem alone who puts the food on our plates. It is therefore at this exact juncture that the Torah established a Bracha, in the form of Birchas Hamazon, so that we would be reminded just who is “HaZaon Es Haolam Kulo B’Tuvo.”

A similar concern exists, adds the Meshech Chacham, when one begins to learn Torah. He may have dreams and aspirations which overtake his mind: to be a Talmid Chacham, a Rav, a Posek, so that others will recognize and be Machneah themselves to his Gadlus. In order to head off such thoughts, the Torah tells us to first say Birchas HaTorah, so that we are reminded that the learning we are to embark upon is not to be used for our own honor but for the Kavod of the Nosen HaTorah.

Thus, concludes R’ Meir Simcha, it is difficult to learn a Kal V’Chomet from food and Torah, to teach us that the relevant Brachos Rishonos and Achronos are required, because the Brachos have a specific purpose, and in each case must be said at the point in time that the purpose will be served.

It is clear, then, that we say Brachos not to praise Hashem, but to ensure that He is a presence in our lives. It is precisely when we may forget that our focus must be on Hakadosh Baruch Hu and his Hashgacha, that the Torah requires us to make Brachos, words which are meant to put the Daas Elyon on our minds.

With this in mind, let us turn back to the Brachos given by Rivka’s family, and see if they pass this litmus test.

As we mentioned, the Bracha began “Achoseinu At Heye L’Alfei Rivavah”. Sforno points out that the word “At” seems to be extra: they already indicated to whom they were speaking with the word “Achoseinu”, why is this word necessary? He answers that this was the prupose of their Brachos: they wished to ensure that it was Rivka alone, and no one else, who would receive this Bracha, and all that came with it. They gave her advice, says Sforno: be a good, faithful and attentive spouse so that Yitzchak will not be tempted to take another wife with whom you may be forced to share this Bracha.

They cared not for the Kiddush Shem Shamayim, but for their family’s name—it was not important that the Ratzon Haborei be carried out, but that they be the ones to take credit. Perhaps this is why the Bracha begins with the word “Achoseinu”, our sister. They wished to highlight their relationship with Rivka so that them may lay claim to any benefit that resulted from the Brachos given to the family of Avraham. This Bracha was not rooted in a concern for the Hamshacha of the Zera Avraham and the resultant Ribuy Kvod Shamayim but, as had been the case throughout the Parsha, their own benefits and enrichment.

Perhaps this is why Birchas Chasanim is learned from this Passuk—not to teach us what to do, but what not to do. Just as we see that one makes Birchas Hatorah before learning so that he knows the true purpose of the task before him, Birchas Chasanim is required before marriage—to the point of “Asura Al Baalah K’Niddah”—in order to frame the mindset of the Chosson and Kallah. They must know that the union in which they are joining has a purpose well beyond their own personal benefits: they are to build a home that is worthy of Hashraas HaShechina, and bring Ribuy Kvod Shamayim into the world.

We learn the Halacha of Birchas Chasanim from the words “VaYivarchu Es Rivka” not because we need Lavan and Besuel to teach us what to do—but because we learn from them what not to do. Because there can be an instinct to follow their example, and enter into marriage with only the most petty, temporal goals in mind, we established Birchas Chasanim. It is at the moment of the Chuppa that we remind the Chosson and Kallah the true purpose of their union, and the capacity for Ribuy Kvod Shamayim they represent.

No matter our own status, we can all take advantage of this lesson. We must, at every turn, attempt to frame our mindset in the pathways of our Avos. Are we acting in the best interests of Kvod Shamayim? Are we taking the steps necessary to ensure the Ratzon Haborei is paramount? If so, we too will be Zoche to the Birchos Shamayim M’al.